One of the most frustrating and disappointing thing that happens to us in the workplace is not being able to communicate what we are feeling. It’s often hard to figure out the right way to say something without feeling like you are going to upset the other person or worse, threaten your job. Sometimes we avoid conversations simply because we think it’s not worth the argument we are sure will ensue.
But the truth is, if we could learn how to communicate our thoughts and needs professionally, in a non-threatening way, we would feel better and get our needs met more often. And how good would that be?
Here are a few mistakes we make, instead of being assertive:
- We tell someone else – which, by the way, does no good because they are not the person who can have an effect on what we need
- We escalate the problem – sometimes others jump on the bandwagon and now everyone is upset
- We become angry, depressed or anxious – totally unhealthy
- We take our feelings out on someone else – totally misdirected
- We cheat the relationship by not addressing a problem
We can turn this around by using a simple 3 part approach for creating assertive statements. Whenever I feel like I really want to say something but I’m anxious about how the other person will take it, I use this technique.
Part 1
A “nonjudgmental” and brief description of the behavior you want changed.
Part 2
A statement of how the behavior makes you feel.
Part 3
A description of the effect the other person’s behavior has on you.
Once you get used to it, it becomes easier and easier. So an example would sound something like this:
“When you interrupt me before I am finished speaking, I feel rushed and cannot remember what I was going to say.”
In my head I think, “When you…. I feel….. so what?
When you don’t attack people and simply state the facts, and then give them the opportunity to understand how you feel, they usually think about it, instead of going right on the defensive. And by adding the “so what” or the effect the behavior has on you, it tells them why they should care or why it matters. Try it. These statements are harder than you think to form, but once you get used to it, you’ll find they are much more effective than staying quiet or getting into an argument. Way more professional and hard to argue with.
Thoughts…….. Contact me at abbe@TECResourceCenter.com